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Thursday, August 24, 2017

How to deal with your childish and selfish parents

Tips for Hinjewadi IT Engineers from Nagpur and Vidarbha:

After attending the get-together of flat buyers in Yashwin Jeevan & Yashwin Anand at Nagpur, I was flying back to Pune.

Thanks to my host Mr. Sanjay Deshpande of Sanjeevani Developers, co-promoter of Yashwin Jeevan & Anand at Sus Gram Panchayat, I had a window seat.

Now the only question was - who would be the lucky one to get an opportunity to sit with me for an hour?

A person could be a male or a female. He / she could be as big as Nitin & Devendra.

But he / she should not have an IT Engineer son working in Hinjewadi - was my only preference.

After spending a day learning and understanding the views & dreams of Nagpurkar parents of Hinjewadi IT engineers - I didn't have any patience to tolerate them for 60 more minutes.

There was no more empathy & sympathy for them in my mind. I was very angry with entire Nagpurkar parents.

Who knows? I would have argued and insulted the Nagpurkar parent sitting next to me for abusing & exploiting his innocent son.

How to love your parents:

Fortunately, the one who took the seat next to me was a young man who went on speaking on his mobile even after the air hostess requested him to shut it off.

"You must be an IT professional from Nagpur working in Hinjewadi!," as soon as he hung up his mobile, I said.

"Yes, I am! Any objection?," the young man said.

"Objection! No!! I have a lot of sympathy for you boys from Nagpur!! Because after spending a day with the parents of you boys - my heart is full of pity for all of you!!!," I said.

"Pity or jealousy? Young Nagpurkars are doing quite well in Pune," the young man said.

"True! But your parents are hell-bent on making your life miserable - after retirement - they want to come down to Pune - live in your flat - and make your life miserable - and sad thing is - you boys don't know how to deal with your parents - I have learned this from today's get-together of the Nagpurkar flat buyers," I said.

Then I told him how some 300 parents - from Nagpur & Vidarbha - working in some insurance company - have done a group booking in Vilas Javdekar & Sanjeevani Developers Yashwin Jeevan & Yashwin Anand at Sus Gram Panchayat - a fringe village of Pune Municipal Corporation - near Baner.

I also told him how Sanjay Deshpande - my builder friend - invited me to understand the traditional cultural values - the strong family ties - among Nagpurkars! 'Consider it as an education tour' - 'learn about the family values & social culture of Vidarbha' - were his words.

"What about you? How are your dealing with your parents?," I asked the young man.

"You are witnessing it! I flew down to Nagpur on Saturday morning and I am flying back to Pune on Sunday evening. I do this at least once in a month to spend a weekend with my parents in Nagpur," the young man said.

"How did you convince your parents to live in Nagpur on their own?," I asked.

"My mother wanted to live with me in Pune. But my father didn't. Still I had to face the issue. Most of my relatives & friends consider me an 'irresponsible son' - who has abandoned his old parents - some blame my wife for it!," the young man said.

"Do you feel guilty? Is that the reason you fly down?," I asked.

"I feel genuinely responsible for my parents - my mother loves me a lot - my father not only loves me - he respects me too - spending a weekend with them energises me - rejuvenates me - prepares me to face challenges in my life & career - humanizes me - otherwise the rest of my life is just numbers - programs - systems," the young man said.

"What about your wife and children? They must be human beings!," I said.

"But my family doesn't end with them. My parents make me a better parent & a better husband!," the young man said.

"Do your parents seriously believe that you love them?," I asked.

"I hope so....still every time I make it a point to express my love to my mother - and inform my father of my feelings for him. At every Nagpur visit - I not only withdraw - I deposit in their emotional bank accounts too and that's why the balance sheet of our relationship is quite strong," the young man said.

"I am impressed! Very rarely I come across someone like you. In the last 10 years - working as a Pune real estate blogger & investment adviser - I have talked to thousands of parents and their sons & daughters - about buying a flat in Pune. Most of them were childish and ignorant. You are unique. You are mature, wise & a responsible son," giving him thumbs up, I said.

"You know? My friends who are born & brought up in Pune - don't have to face this parent - adult children relationship issues - while starting their own family - or buying a flat - because you Punekars have adapted yourselves to living in the urban middle class salaried society. But we Nagpurkars still live in the old feudalistic society where children are the property of the family. That's why Nagpurkar parents keep on imposing themselves on their children and children keep on exploiting - demanding from their parents. This goes on till someone gets tired and breaks the relationship," the young man said.

"True! I wonder - How did you learn to write the rules of father adult son relationship? How come your parents accepted & went along with you?," I asked.

"I learned From my father! At least 50% credit goes to him!!," said the young man and told me this about his family -

How to love your adult son:

My father is a doctor. He stood against his father - my grandfather who was Malguzar - a big landlord - and freedom fighter - wanted my father to become a teacher in a school - my grandfather has started - at our small village near Nagpur - but my father wanted to do surgeries in his own hospital and live a lavish life in Nagpur.

Though he was minting money - when I went to college - my father told me -

"Now you have become an adult. This is the time to write some important rules which will govern our relationship -

1) I will pay your college fees.

2) I will provide you computer, 4 sets of cloths & other necessities.

3) Every month I will give you 500 rupees as pocket money.

4) If you want a bike & a mobile - you have to earn money to buy them.

5) If you do something wrong and get arrested - don't call me from Police Chowki - I will not release you on bail.

6) I will never ask you - What do you do? Why are you so late? Who are your friends? etc. Because I respect your privacy.

7) You can drink a glass of beer with me but you will never come home drunk. If I find out - you have to leave my house.

8) If you want to live in my house - you will never do drugs.

9) Now about sex - if you make some girl pregnant - you have to leave a home and support & live with her.

If you want me to treat you as an adult - you have to take your responsibility. If you want to live as my baby - let me know - I will pamper you - but you will never be an independent adult - you will always remain my baby. Choice is yours. Think over and let me know.

"Did you accept your father's rules?," I asked.

"Not immediately. I complained to my mother about the rules. What is this? I grew up believing that you have given me birth because you wanted someone to spend your money. Look around - all parents are giving whatever their children are demanding. Who does he think he is - Warren Buffett?," I asked my mother.

"Who is Warren Buffett?," asked my mother.

"He is the richest man in the world - instead of giving his wealth to his children - he has given it away to charity. Tell me - how can I go to college on my bicycle? Why do I have to work & earn money to own a bike? Isn't it your duty to gift me a mobile? If you are not my biological father & mother - please - tell me right now," I said to my mother.

"Why are you so upset? We are not forcing anything on you. You are free to chose - how do you want to be treated - like a baby or as an adult!," my mother said.

"Don't you love me anymore?," I asked my mother. She said - "We love you - but the way we love keeps on changing - when you were a baby I used to bath you and change your diapers....,"

"I got it!," I told my mother and accepted the rules. All of us signed the rules. I got the original which I pinned on the softboard in my bedroom. Father kept the copy in his safe. From that day onwards - I am on my own. I am proud of me of my choice," said the young man.

"Writing down rules about relationships is a great idea! Do you & your wife also have rules?," I said.

"Yes! Of course!!," the young man said.

"About sex?," I asked.

"Yes! No sex - paid or casual - outside the marriage!!," said the young man.

"And any rules about what to share on Facebook?," I asked.

"Yes! Post only after both approve!!," the young man said.

"Great! Will you help me to write rules for young IT Engineers from Nagpur? The rules about buying a home - dealing with parents - managing career. Instead of blogging about the get-together - I guess - sharing rules would be more useful for Nagpurkars," I said.

"Sure! We have some 30 more minutes to kill!!," opening his iPad, said the young man. Here are these rules:

How to maintain healthy relationship with your parents:

1) I will remain employable till I become 60 year old.

I got the current job because my parents gave me collage education. Henceforth I will take responsibility of my education. I will keep on educating myself. I will keep on learning new skills. So that I will remain employable in the era of automation & artificial intelligence.

I will convince my parents that education does not end with a college degree. To remain employable I have to keep on learning for life. That's why do not pressurise me to get married. Do not force me to take a home loan to buy a flat and settle down. Being 26 - 28 old is not a qualification to get married & own a home, anymore. The right time to get married & own a home is when you are sure that you will remain employable for the next 10 - 15 years. I will let you know when I achieve that stage. Till then, please, avoid discussion on marriage & a flat in Pune.

2) Securing financial future is my top priority.

After getting a job, securing my financial future is my top priority. I will save minimum 15 % of my salary in retirement fund. I will spare 5 % of my salary for learning new skills & getting education to remain employable. Buying a car, buying a property & getting married are not my priorities. I will do these things when I will feel safe about my financial future.

Like my parents I am not going to get pension. So saving for retirement is my responsibility. If I start early, I will be able to support myself after retirement. I will explain my parents the importance of keeping the end in mind and planning personal finance to secure financial future. I am sure they will understand it and will stop harassing me to book a flat & get married.

3) I will protect my financial independence.

I am an adult. I am capable of taking my financial responsibility. I will learn to manage money. I will study personal financial planning. I will never ask for financial help from my parents. I will refuse to accept any kind of monetary gift from my parents.

My dear parents, please, do not try to cripple me by offering money to pay 20 % down payment to book a flat. If I accept your money - I will never learn to manage money and may remain financially illiterate for life. This will certainly put my married life in danger. I will convince my parents.

4) Help me by helping yourself.

My parents have given me education. Education has made me capable to care of myself. Henceforth I will not let my parents offer any help to me. I will encourage them to help themselves. To take care of themselves.

From birth, I was my parents' number 1 priority. Henceforth, they themselves should be their number 1 priority.

If they take their own responsibility - I will be free to pursue my goals.

I will convince my parents that their helping themselves would be a great help for me.

Now, in your fifties, you do not have to borrow money to book a flat for me in Pune. Yes! Even if you get a home loan from your company at the lowest interest rates!!

Why? Because you have done enough for me. Now, you have to do for yourself. You must remain debt free and avoid wasting money by paying interest to the bank. Instead of that - you should save maximum money to enjoy life after retirement. I want to see you healthy, happy and financially independent.

5) I will protect my legal rights as well as my parents, brothers & sisters rights.

Relations between two adults are not only based on emotions. There are laws about it too.

Laws about father's self acquired property.

Laws about daughters rights in father's self acquired property.

Laws about ancestral property.

Laws about wife's share in husband's property (not only acquired after marriage but even before marriage!).

Before buying a property I will study these laws and avoid future legal complications.

I will teach my parents to become less emotional and more civilized.

Property can maintain family ties. At the same time, it can destroy a family.

6) I will protect & take care of my assets.

Agriculture & industrial economies are over. So land, property, cows & buffaloes, machines and factories are no more assets.

We are living in an information & automation age. In this age intelligence - knowledge - skills are assets.

I am doing well only because I have all these assets. So for me a property is a reward - gift - perk. Not an asset.

I will explain this to my parents who are still living in the bygone era and convince them not to pressurise on me to book a flat.

At the same time, I will refuse to marry a girl who is looking for a Pune property owner groom. Because, I want to marry a girl who will be my equal partner. I am not interested in adopting permanent financial dependent.

While we were discussing & writing these 6 rules, we didn't realize that the third person in our row was also listening! While our plane was about to land, that person said - "Write a rule for the Nagpurkar parents of Hinjewadi IT daughters too!"

"What would it be?," I asked.

"Buy a property in a senior citizen's home in Pune - like Athashri - so that you can live near your daughter but will not be able to interfere in her life! I have done that and my daughter is very happy about it!," said the third man.

What say you?

Will these rules help you to deal with your childish & selfish parents?

Please, let me know in the comments.

Related Stories:

1) Sad story of a son who purchased a flat in Sus

2) What if Hinjewadi IT Engineers were a little less stupid?

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  1. Wonderful description of scenario but fact is there are no jobs in Vidrbha region neither career opportunity in education so thousands of youngsters have to migrate to Pune. And in present time its difficult to manage two establishments ie at Pune & Nagpur!And nothing wrong as every parents wants to saty with their kids, this may not be a tradition in Pune but at Nagpur its very much there yet!

  2. This cannot be generalized to all parents from Nagpur. In most cases parents of only son want to be with him. Our parents are very generous. They provide and struggle for us all their life. In most cases they have spacious own house with good rental income along with pension which they feel is enough for them to lead a decent life. So some of them offer to pay for the down-payment and lessen their burden of loan. How can they be termed as selfish. Moreover the deep thought behind this decision is once they own a house /flat in Pune their future generation doesnot have go through same struggles of finding a house. I do not see this as childish.Agreed at times our parents are anxious or excited.But that's the way we are.
    They look ahead to share remaining years of their life with us and not to make our life miserable sir I hope u understand this.
    As mentioned in this blog taking monetary help would cripple the son from Nagpur. Most Punekar son do not face the issue of buying a flat. They continue to stay in the comfort zone of the house bought by their parents or grandparents in some cases. Doesn't that cripple them. Let's not be so judgemental. Every person has own perspective.

    1. My guess is you are a typical son of a childish & selfish Nagpurkar parents. That's why you are justifying them. This is obvious.

      Please, consider - Are their ideas good for you? Do they enrich your life?

      My opinion is no.

      They steal your freedom to live your life the way you want to live.

      In fact, the parents put your life in danger - in this case by booking a flat in Sus Village which is not a good place to live for human beings.